서간 3: On True and False Friendship

You have sent a letter to me through the hand of a 'friend' of yours, as you call him. And in your very next sentence you warn me not to discuss with him all the matters that concern you, saying that even you yourself are not accustomed to do this; in other words, you have in the same letter affirmed and denied that he is your friend.

Now if you used this word of ours in the popular sense, and called him 'friend' in the same way in which we speak of all candidates for election as 'honourable gentlemen,' and as we greet all men whom we meet casually, if their names slip us for the moment, with the salutation 'my dear sir,' – so be it.

But if you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means. Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all discuss the man himself.

When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last first and confound their duties, who judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him their friend after they have judged him.

Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself.

As to yourself, although you should live in such a way that you trust your own self with nothing which you could not entrust even to your enemy, yet, since certain matters occur which convention keeps secret, you should share with a friend at least all your worries and reflections.

Regard him as loyal, and you will make him loyal. Some, for example, fearing to be deceived, have taught men to deceive; by their suspicions they have given their friend the right to do wrong. It is equally faulty to trust everyone and to trust no one.

But the one should be called a more honest fault, the other a safer. Therefore I would have you censure both extremes, as well those who always distrust, as those who always trust.

Farewell.

You sent me your letter, you say, by a friend of yours. And presently you warn me not to communicate freely with him all your concerns, which you say you yourself do not; so that in the same letter you have both affirmed and denied him to be your friend.

If therefore you use the word friend in the common acceptation, as when we call all who stand for a civil office, Worthy Gentlemen; and salute those we meet, if we cannot recollect their names, with the title of Sir; it may be allowed.

But if you esteem any man as a friend whom you do not trust as much as yourself, you are greatly mistaken, and know not what true friendship means. Consult therefore with your friend upon all your affairs; but first consult upon himself.

When you have contracted friendship, you must trust; you must judge before you contract. They confound their offices who judge of a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him a friend after they have formed a judgment.

Take long time to consider whether you ought to admit a man to your friendship; but when you have determined upon it, receive him with all your heart; and speak as freely with him as with yourself.

Live indeed in such a manner that there may be nothing which you would conceal even from an enemy; but because there are some things which custom has made private, communicate your thoughts to your friend, all your cares and cogitations.

Esteem him faithful, and you will make him so. For some have taught deceit by fearing it; and by their suspicion have given their friends a title to act treacherously. It is equally a fault to trust all men, and to trust none.

But the former seems more ingenuous, the latter more safe. In like manner you should censure those who are always uneasy, and those who are always at their ease.

Farewell.